You lied to me
You told me, that it was, just, going to be a ride, on your bike
Now, I am not upset that you lied to me; looking back…
But you still lied to me
If you would have told me then, when it was in the middle of winter, raining, icy-cold and too late to catch a bus home
because we stayed out all night studying,
that I was about to sign up for the love of my life, the greatest partner I would ever have, some of the most emotional fights and passionate nights…
I probably would have run for the hills half-naked and risked the frostbite crossing over Seattle to get home walking for hours in the rain, snow, slush crap that we get here, to get away from your bike
Which was the fastest way home, and I had class the next morning,
Love, terrifies me,
and back then I didn’t what a thing to do with it
Not even a nice little romp in the sheets, with no strings attached
because I am a Pinocchio with big dreams and a heart worn on my sleeves, and strings that reach from my most intimates, dangling behind me, blowing in the wind getting caught in everything I cannot detach my heart from
And I’m sorry, I must be failing as a man, but I just cannot detach my heart from my intimate connection with another human being
There is no, just romping, in the sheets for me
And I had been through the ringer with this whole love thing, had my heart torn out, stomped on and spit on, laughed at, disregarded, burned, pushed aside, forgotten…
And I had failed those who loved me, violated trusts, got too busy in saving the world to remember she needed me too, until she left me because she wasn’t receiving the attention and affection she needed me too
I was not a good lover and love terrified me
More importantly though, I already loved you and did not want to accept that as a reality
But I thought, it’s just a ride on your bike, and its cold outside, shes the homie, my study buddy
Never in a million years would I have ever thought that you were crushing on me
Funny thing is, you were testing me to see if I could check my male privilege, my patriarchal tendencies, and jump on the back of a bike being driven by a woman
Fuck a patriarchy, you are a boss, a king, always have been and always will be
and if men were so good at running things, just because they are men, then why do we have so much Hell in the world today with all its attendant sufferings?
You stuffed this helmet on my head, condensing and smashing all of the ego that surrounds my better nature, which blocks me from the sunlight of the spirit of who I was born to be, and you knocked me back down to size, which is the true definition of humility,
but you were also trying to save my life in the event of the unlikely circumstance of a crash
And as hard as I tried to fight it, not because I was afraid of a woman being in control, but rather, because I was afraid to lose control over my affection for you; I hesitated climbing onto your bike
And you turned around, in that wonderful way you always do, annoyed as shit because I am not moving fast enough for you, unaware of what was really running through my mind at the time
How am I going to hold on to her and not fall madly in love with her?
she will know, and I will be exposed!
And you yelled at me “Get On!”
As I climbed onto your bike and slid into the seat, wrapping my arms around you, all my fear melted away and I realized that there was in place on the world, and no person that I wanted be with more than you in that moment, right there.
Thank you for lying to me, sometimes that’s just what we need to bring us to where we belong
and it brought me to you, MyHeart, I love you.